remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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