Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
