i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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