My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
