Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
