Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
