My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
