This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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