you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
