I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Randomize
