she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
