I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Randomize
