You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Dignity is for republicans.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
