So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
