***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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