I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize