Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
