I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
