hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
