apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My penis needs a shock collar
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
