When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
