the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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