Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Randomize
