Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
of course. lets lasso hookers.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
you will always have a special place in my vag
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
