I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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