Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
