Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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