Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize