She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
