you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
