if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
