I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
