we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
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