I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
