I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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