Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
