Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
