WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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