winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
