If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
