I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
