I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Sacagawea was the original milf.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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