Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
porn star boner night. come get it.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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