I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
