good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
