She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
