I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
