Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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