Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize