Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
40s are totally the cure
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
