Umm I'm too high to move.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
