Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
