i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
