i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
