the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
