thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
