oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
When did angry sex become our thing?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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