Swine flu. Run for my life!
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
