I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
