Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
