i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
When are your genitals available?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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