I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
