I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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